My (not so) Anonymous Life

July 29, 2009

Personality Crisis

Filed under: life,worries — shitjusthappens @ 12:10 am
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I gotta look like a SO problematic person. But I don’t mind, that’s none of ANYBODY’s business, then it’s still my own problems. If it matters to you, imagine it’s just another of those boring books about how to act. Or not, but the truth is things are getting a little outta place. Or am I losing myself? Don’t matter.

But I’m having a serious problem with my own personality. It’s calling me to act and fight for what I want, as I always did, but the person “me” is telling me not to do anything, just keep it on me and forget the rest. Ha, it seems easy but BELIEVE ME, it sucks when you’re fighting inside.

And just for you to know, YOU BOY, listen to me.

UNLESS FOR NOW, I’M STILL FIGHTING TO GET YOU. UNTIL I GET THAT TIRED TO ACT LIKE A FOOL (AS I’M DOING RIGHT NOW) AND GIVE UP, I’LL KEEP FIGHTING. MAYBE I’M A GOOD FRIEND, BUT THAT’S DEFINITELY NOT HALF OF WHAT I WANNA BE.
—————-

“She was scared, unprepared, lost in the dark. Falling apart, I can survive with you by my side.”
Now playing: Demi Lovato – Two Worlds Collide
via FoxyTunes

July 25, 2009

Meaningless

Filed under: life,party — shitjusthappens @ 7:58 pm
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This is how I’m feeling. There’s no meaning in anything, I just feel tired of living. Well, not my fault, though. What’s the point in being 18 (overage and enough-aged, I’d say) if I’m old enough to clean the whole house or do some other things and I’m too young to go out at night? I could laugh if it was a joke, but it’s my life – what makes it almost a joke. Ha, I’m so funny.

Come on, I’m old enough to do whatever I wanna do. If I can’t do what I want right, it’s MY problem, MY fault, nothing to do with them. But I have already showed them (I mean, my parents) that they can trust me (they don’t know what trust means, apparently), because they know I’m the one who HATES drugs the most. For drugs I mean also those fuckin’ cigarettes that people think are so charming. Die fast and leave me alone, then.

Okay, maybe the point is alcohol. YES, MAN, I like it. But it never meant I need to drink until get drunk, as I NEVER DID. Then, what’s the matter with ME? It’s not like I’m going out to have sex with everyone who passes in front of me, eighter. I wanna get out with MY FRIENDS, who my parents know very well, who always come to visit me, who I always go to visit, who I know for ten or five years, depending on who I’m talking about. They are a little better than me, by the way HAHA I’m the rebel one lol. They can control me, right? You guys know what the word friendship means to me, and it’s too strong for me to take it away.

Well, coming back way too late shouldn’t be a problem, too. If you want to take me there and get me back, no problem, but if THAT’S the matter, you guys should let me stay until 5 am there so I could wait a little more until 6 o’clock to get my bus and come home around 7 am. But it’s always difficult to solve some problem if somebody doesn’t want them to be solved.

You know what? It’s my life, don’t you forget.

xxx

July 24, 2009

That’s the way it is.

Filed under: life — shitjusthappens @ 1:40 am
Tags: , , , , , ,

Not that the whole world knows me or knows my blog, but you may have found out I was absent. Yeah, I really was, and that’s because my life kinda changed a little fast.

Some months ago, I told you about my grandma and how she was important to me. Well, guys, she died, and it was a month ago. I know she was old (just turned 81), but it was suddenly. I was not expecting she could go to the hospital, but when she did… I was expecting the worst. Not expecting, don’t get me wrong, but I knew. And then my whole world seemed not to seem anything. She was my light, my life, my example.

Anyway. She died one week before my tests for college – “vestibular” (Brazilian exams for college). I confess I’m not used to study that much, but that week I got some strenght inside of me that made me study a lot. I gave my all, I did the hardest… and I was so good, but I couldn’t get it. Not a big problem if it wasn’t a little… hm, unfair. I can’t do anything about it but accept, so… that’s it. Let’s keep studying for the end of the year. Wish me good luck.

By the way, thanks for the support, everytime. I don’t even know you, guys, but you are good friends (:

Tweet tweet!

May 27, 2009

Bitter

Filed under: life — shitjusthappens @ 4:16 am
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I had a bitter week. I mean, the last one. But this one NOTHING can make it bad. Anyway, I’m talk about bitterness.

Some years ago, I used to be so bitter. I was a cold person until something happen to change it.

I knew a guy at the Internet and we become friends. Nice friends. Close friends. Closer friends. The closest ones. And I kinda fell in love, but my “fall in love” was a lot different those days than it’s today – thanks to him.

I was 13. He fell in love and asked me to be his girlfriend. I agreed, but I wasn’t THAT into him. He used to do anything so it could work out – but I didn’t even try much. I was happy to say ‘I have a boyfriend!’, but I didn’t care much. But nothing is always a bed of roses, so he should have been tired of my indifference so he broke up. Then, I felt bad a lot. It changed myself.

I started to care more about people who I love. I started to be a lot worried if they were okay. I started to love that guy in a different way, a stronger way. I really loved him after losing him. We got together again, but it was never the same: I started to care and he didn’t anymore. So it wasn’t working out again and we broke up. Forever. But we’re still best friends.

And I changed a lot because of this special fact in my life. It changed who I was and now I’m a better person – but sometimes it hurts me because now I try to trust everybody, even when I have a great chance to fail.

But you know what? I LOVE who I am and who wants to love me needs to love exactly this person.

Have a great week, guys, I’m sure mine is going to be.

May 20, 2009

Betrayed

Filed under: life,poetry — shitjusthappens @ 3:48 pm
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Betrayed – as I’ve been:
I’m lost and I can’t seem
To see why it’s happening;
Couldn’t see it changing.

Lost in tragedy and in vain,
Can’t feel nothing but the pain
That means to suck all the good memories
We had such a nice stories.

Now I do nothing but I cry
And I want to stop and I still try
But nothing’s as worst as this:
I’ve been betrayed and it is

So much more than I can take,
So I decided it to break.
Don’t mind about cynicism
Neighter about your me-ism:

I’m going to forget ‘us’
And stay beside who I can trust.
No more betrayals, no more tears,
I won’t trust anymore, so I won’t fear.

—————-
Now playing: Adele – Daydreamer
via FoxyTunes

May 17, 2009

Romance?

Filed under: life — shitjusthappens @ 11:46 pm
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I always dreamed my life was going to be a fairytale. The first thing I learnt when I was 13: it will never happen. But I dreamed for so long and I still did this. Now, I’m 18 and I guess I lost a (big) part of my life dreaming way too much.

Well, now I’m old enough to say I want to stop it. I’m sick of it, I’m done. I want to live life and let myself know new things and new people. I’m open to my own life, as I wasn’t before.

Let the seasons begin.

May 8, 2009

Grandma

Filed under: life,worries — shitjusthappens @ 6:08 pm
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I’m sick of this. I’m sick of this all. I may be sounded like riot now, but I don’t care. I just need to have the guts to say all I’m thinking and specially all I’m feeling.

Why all the things are happening at the same time to me? It feels like wasn’t way too much the vestibular exams in the end (and in the middle) of the year and also my family acting like a crap – day by day, worst. It feels like wasn’t way too much I had been caught and I’d been feeling what I’m feeling, because it doesn’t matter. I think I could stand it, I really could – with a little help from my friends, which I’ve been getting more and more, which is making me stronger and able to still living. But then comes my grandma and her fucking diabetes.Grandma has already lost one of her toes and she’s going to lose another – I know it. I studied it. I’m watching it happen. Fortunately, she won’t have to lose her whole foot – I hope not too soon, anyway. She’s 81 and, since she was born, the doctors told her mom she wasn’t going to survive so long. But she is. She watched her husband, my granpa, die, and she watched my grandparents, my dad’s parents, die – even when they were younger than her and she always asked them to take care of me and my brother. I know she’s strong, but I’m afraid I’ll soon lose her. I’m sure someday I’ll do and it came to me as soon as I could try to get my reason back.

I’m scared. I’m scared of losing the only person who is beside me all the time. I’m afraid of losing the woman I most love in this annoying and non-sense life. I’m scared of giving all up without her support and I hope you all, please, don’t let me do it. I’ll do whatever I dreamed and whatever I want – cheers to her.

I love you, old and wonderful woman. I love you, best friend. I love you, grandma.

May 3, 2009

Life (as it goes)

Filed under: life,party — shitjusthappens @ 2:03 am
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Right, satuday night and here I am: home, watching series. You should be asking yourself why a normal (?) 18 year-olded-girl is at home if she has friends and free time, maybe. That’s what I’m telling you.

Yesterday was  a holiday in Brazil, the Work Day. I didn’t have classes so I was at the Internet talking with my friends in a conference when one of them told me she was going out. It was almost 9 p.m. Usually, she goes with three of our common friends, but only one was going there and she called me to join them. I would love to, but I was pretty sure mother wouldn’t let me to go out at 10 p.m. But I tried – and I got that.

It was 10 p.m. when I got the place – exactly as the same moment she did. When we were going in, our friend got there. So, we went in the place together and got a table for us. We started talking and enjoy the music – most of them, classic rock – so the boy offerred we girls a beer. I’m not used to drink beer – I kinda don’t like it much and prefer vodka, Martini or wine – but he told us to part it with him, so we did. Well, the beer he got for us wasn’t that bad and it was really hot there inside, so we parted three more beers during the night. I also have to say I’m used to be strong with alcohol and beer? C’mon, it’s very weak to me – what I think is pretty nice. Going back to the party, we danced rock music, watched two bands (the first one was very impressive, I’m in love with it!) and had a deep conversation which made me feel better. Actually, I’m still doing – thanks to them.

As if wasn’t so much, I had a party today. A birthday party at a chic bar. Actually, one of my very best friend’s birthday party. So you tell me: WHAT A FUCK ARE YOU DOING HOME? Ooops, my bad, you should ask my parents: mom just decided to say she didn’t know any about the party happening at that place – oh, how sweet, I’m telling her for two days and she didn’t know. I asked her some money and why would I need any money if it was going to happen in my friend’s house? And, finally, what’s the fucking matter about me drinking some beer? Okay, you may be conservative and tell me it’s not so good. I got it, maybe it isn’t, but it’s not like I’m driving myself drunking or stuff. It’s just a beer, something weak I was parting with my very best friends because it was hot and so on. And I’m telling you that: if you’re analyzing it so deep, it’s as dangerous drinking beer as drinking water with a lot of hormones, medicines and things you’ll never know you’re putting into yourself.

Anyway, the beer doesn’t matter much – I don’t think so. The point is why does she need to make everybody here mad at me for being born? Why did she make me do the worst thing ever in my opinion – lying to somebody I love? In fact I’m not lying and I know she’s gonna understand what happened, but it’s really horrible promising something and not executing it. I feel frustrated, the worst person ever. My friend can forgive me; I can’t.

It seems I can’t trust me for trusting people way too much – specially my family. I should have learnt that they always do it.

When will I trust myself without any problems?

April 30, 2009

Ultrafast Open-Hearted

Filed under: life — shitjusthappens @ 2:49 pm
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I’ve got fifteen minutes before I go out.

I’m worried about my job. I’m worried about my quality. I don’t wanna be a teacher because I want to be a teacher, but I wanna be a teacher because I can be a teacher.

I’m missing some friends. I’m missing those friends who spent their evenings with me three years ago, at the Internet, as the real world would never matter.

I’m missing the life I had before, that one I used to think was too hard – but I didn’t know anything when I thought that.

I’m thinking way too much about someone who I shouldn’t. Not that I shouldn’t, it’s just that it would be better if I didn’t. But I am, and it’s getting worse everyday and I’m going to the point of no return: I almost can’t take it.

I need some reasons. Someone?

April 27, 2009

I’m to tired to talk to no one

Filed under: life — shitjusthappens @ 1:19 am
Tags: , , , ,

“But I can’t stop now… I’ve got troubles of my own ’cause in short on time I’m lonely and I’m too tired to talk to no one […] the motion keeps my heart turning”

Based on the last posts, do I really need to say any about what’s happening? I’m just tired of people who blame me ’cause of the weather. They know how I feel and they know how I usually (over)react. So WHY do they need to implicate with every each thing I do?

I pay how much I want for a coffee, thank you.

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