I tried, I swear I tried the hardest to get to you. I tried to figure out what would be the girl of your dreams like but no, I’m not gonna change. I’m still myself, maybe even more myself than never, I’ve got this point. And I’m proud – for me. You should be too.

I don’t know how much you know or how much you think you know about my feelings. Even when I had told you everything I ever felt, you never made it easier. You never showed me you really knew, what makes me feel like a stupid jerk who used all of her courage for nothing. Yeah, courage, I needed a lot of that.

But I’m writing because I give up. I tried before and maybe I won’t get that right now. But we are way too different. Things we talked about yesterday, things you said which I don’t believe in. Maybe that’s the point. I know it doesn’t work. Even if you believe a year is enough to forget someone who’s far… I know it isn’t. I’ve tried this before. Here’s the tip: it REALLY NEVER WORKS, just make it worse. Until you find another one or you get so sick of waiting for true love you give up everything about your heart and goes back to that cold person you were before. And I really wish I can go back for that.

Thanks for the memories. The memories that have been hurting me for over a year.

You make me cry, you make me insane, you make me different. But not anymore.

I guess this is the end.

As an example, you could have this guy who know what is it like, but his decision seems pretty cruel to me, without any ‘because’. As an another example, you could have the global warming (THIS SAME TIME IN THE LAST YEAR, WE WERE WEARING COATS, C’MON!) and its high-really-high degrees. And then we have college, but this one I choose so long ago. But that’s when we go back to the beginning.

I feel terrible sometimes. I’m often feeling terrible. I’m doing right now, thinking about the next year and all the possibilities. In this case, there aren’t choices. I only need to prove I’m the best one on what I want to spend the rest of my life doing, but not doing that. Strange? Hard? Difficult? I’d call it foolish.

But that’s not all about college or stuff: it’s about feelings, friends, family… and he. He, who’s so closer now and can be that far in a couple of months; he, who I’m in love with and can’t stop thinking of; he, who I’ll hardly forget that fast and I know… I feel bad for the weekend, when I usually don’t see him. What about days, weeks, months and so on? What if we forget each other? Yeah, I’m not sure I’m doing that, but he may do. He can do. Then what about me? What about my heart? I’ve been desilluded before, I know I can handle it. Or not.

I’ve been desilluded a lot of times since I decided to let my heart fly. But I flew too high and I fell down and I broke it. I can never go back to who I am, to that stronger girl I’ve met. And that’s funny, because I used to be THAT strong. Now, look at me: what do you see?

It’s so much more than my heart could take.

I feel like a fool for missing you and counting the minutes like a desperate girl just to see you.

Argh. Too much candy brings disease.

My hopes are way too high you could never ever imagine.

That’s what I needed to say, even if you’ll not read this.

—————-
Now playing: All i Have- The Veronicas
via FoxyTunes

I wanted to be that perfect girl which fits into your tastes. I wanted to be that one who you’d love to be in love with. But that wouldn’t be me, so why would I like that? You already know the best thing I like in myself is actually liking to be myself.

This is unfair, you confuse me in the very worst way.

I wanted to tell you my deepest secrets. Wanted to tell you about the way I wouldn’t care if you wanted only to spend a night, coz for a night I’d feel full, complete. I wanted to tell you those deepest secrets my heart cannot take anymore. I wanted to tell you what is really happening to me.

Truth is I’m afraid of losing you. And I don’t even have you. You’re not mine, what would I lose?

I would lose my hopes. You know, those highest hopes I still have. And it’s been a whole year since I started to feel all these things which make me want to die just to see if you’ll miss me. These are my deepest secrets, maybe the only ones I could ever hide from someone.

I’ve changed. So much has changed. Things around me have done and so have I.

I’m sorry, but it’s completely your choice. Cannot help.

A few days ago, me and some friends were talking about love, the perfect boy/girlfriend etc. Well, in my opinion, the perfect one is that who likes you just the way you are and who you like the same way. By the way, before being lovers, we should be nice friends and trust each other.

But nobody said it’s easy to find true love – and even if someone has done, it’s a lie. Some are lucky – and less than 1% of the whole world. Some keep waiting. For so long. Just like me.

I’ve already been in love. I am in love. But only once I was loved back and it’s over now. But I’m happy when I say I’ve got the best friend in the whole world, who is still far from me when talking about distance, but is so close when talking about feeling. He fights when I’m wrong, hugs me when I’m right… laughes when I’m funny. However it is, it’s always perfect. I can get mad, but it just goes away when he cames back to me.

Whatever. What I mean is that I’m not that beautiful neighter am too sexy for my shirt LOL but I’m a simple girl. A smart one. If I don’t have someone, doesn’t mean I don’t want someone, but I don’t need a lot of boys like sharks around me. Don’t want a lot of guys falling at my feet. I just wanted someone who I love loving me. That’s all I wish. No need to come in a white horse, unless he’s a prince and wants it. I just want somebody who loves me like I am, while he’s being himself.

xx

C.