Meaningless

This is how I’m feeling. There’s no meaning in anything, I just feel tired of living. Well, not my fault, though. What’s the point in being 18 (overage and enough-aged, I’d say) if I’m old enough to clean the whole house or do some other things and I’m too young to go out at night? I could laugh if it was a joke, but it’s my life – what makes it almost a joke. Ha, I’m so funny.

Come on, I’m old enough to do whatever I wanna do. If I can’t do what I want right, it’s MY problem, MY fault, nothing to do with them. But I have already showed them (I mean, my parents) that they can trust me (they don’t know what trust means, apparently), because they know I’m the one who HATES drugs the most. For drugs I mean also those fuckin’ cigarettes that people think are so charming. Die fast and leave me alone, then.

Okay, maybe the point is alcohol. YES, MAN, I like it. But it never meant I need to drink until get drunk, as I NEVER DID. Then, what’s the matter with ME? It’s not like I’m going out to have sex with everyone who passes in front of me, eighter. I wanna get out with MY FRIENDS, who my parents know very well, who always come to visit me, who I always go to visit, who I know for ten or five years, depending on who I’m talking about. They are a little better than me, by the way HAHA I’m the rebel one lol. They can control me, right? You guys know what the word friendship means to me, and it’s too strong for me to take it away.

Well, coming back way too late shouldn’t be a problem, too. If you want to take me there and get me back, no problem, but if THAT’S the matter, you guys should let me stay until 5 am there so I could wait a little more until 6 o’clock to get my bus and come home around 7 am. But it’s always difficult to solve some problem if somebody doesn’t want them to be solved.

You know what? It’s my life, don’t you forget.

xxx

Life (as it goes)

Right, satuday night and here I am: home, watching series. You should be asking yourself why a normal (?) 18 year-olded-girl is at home if she has friends and free time, maybe. That’s what I’m telling you.

Yesterday was  a holiday in Brazil, the Work Day. I didn’t have classes so I was at the Internet talking with my friends in a conference when one of them told me she was going out. It was almost 9 p.m. Usually, she goes with three of our common friends, but only one was going there and she called me to join them. I would love to, but I was pretty sure mother wouldn’t let me to go out at 10 p.m. But I tried – and I got that.

It was 10 p.m. when I got the place – exactly as the same moment she did. When we were going in, our friend got there. So, we went in the place together and got a table for us. We started talking and enjoy the music – most of them, classic rock – so the boy offerred we girls a beer. I’m not used to drink beer – I kinda don’t like it much and prefer vodka, Martini or wine – but he told us to part it with him, so we did. Well, the beer he got for us wasn’t that bad and it was really hot there inside, so we parted three more beers during the night. I also have to say I’m used to be strong with alcohol and beer? C’mon, it’s very weak to me – what I think is pretty nice. Going back to the party, we danced rock music, watched two bands (the first one was very impressive, I’m in love with it!) and had a deep conversation which made me feel better. Actually, I’m still doing – thanks to them.

As if wasn’t so much, I had a party today. A birthday party at a chic bar. Actually, one of my very best friend’s birthday party. So you tell me: WHAT A FUCK ARE YOU DOING HOME? Ooops, my bad, you should ask my parents: mom just decided to say she didn’t know any about the party happening at that place – oh, how sweet, I’m telling her for two days and she didn’t know. I asked her some money and why would I need any money if it was going to happen in my friend’s house? And, finally, what’s the fucking matter about me drinking some beer? Okay, you may be conservative and tell me it’s not so good. I got it, maybe it isn’t, but it’s not like I’m driving myself drunking or stuff. It’s just a beer, something weak I was parting with my very best friends because it was hot and so on. And I’m telling you that: if you’re analyzing it so deep, it’s as dangerous drinking beer as drinking water with a lot of hormones, medicines and things you’ll never know you’re putting into yourself.

Anyway, the beer doesn’t matter much – I don’t think so. The point is why does she need to make everybody here mad at me for being born? Why did she make me do the worst thing ever in my opinion – lying to somebody I love? In fact I’m not lying and I know she’s gonna understand what happened, but it’s really horrible promising something and not executing it. I feel frustrated, the worst person ever. My friend can forgive me; I can’t.

It seems I can’t trust me for trusting people way too much – specially my family. I should have learnt that they always do it.

When will I trust myself without any problems?

Carnival

I’m sorry for not coming as fast as promised. Some things happened and, well, I also had to clean my house to get new pens (mother gave me). By the way, I bought some today.

As you may not know (you should be thankful), Carnival is coming. As neighter I know, it goes from sunday to tuesday.

I never liked Carnival. Okay, I live in Brazil, butI hated it since I was a kid – I just don’t know why. Actually I have a point about those parades, but I don’t want to talk about that. The fact is that, this year, I’m going to a Carnival party. It’s going to happen in a Japanese club and me and my friends are going there to help the taiko group which one of my friends dance for. And I’m with my friends, so it must be funny.

If I never liked Carnival, why am I going there? The answer is the most simple ever: I always get a horrible bad mood on these days. This time, I’m gonna get over it and do something good, not just die sleeping. There’s just a little problem: I don’t know how I’ll feel there. I know it’ll be at least cool, because I’ll be with my friends, but those musics plus people dancing plus the fact that I should dance (I dance, sometimes, but it’s not… erm, good) is driving me mad.

Okay, just some things I had on my head. I just don’t know how to behave in a Carnival party. When I find out, I tell y’all.

PS: I’m sorry, I know this post seems horrible, but I’m not feeling like writing, just wrote that because I wanted to post something. I’m really sorry, don’t judge me for this one!